3 Ways to Heal your Relationship from Criticism

John and Julie Gottman: Four Risk Factors

American researchers, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, have studied why some relationships are successful and why others are not. They monitored, interviewed and studied hundreds of couples for twenty years. By now, they are experts on the field: they can judge within five minutes, with about 90 percent accuracy, whether a couple will stay together or break up.

They have found four communication techniques that may lead to a breakup: criticism, contempt, defensive behavior and stonewalling.

According to John and Julie Gottman, it is acceptable if you complain about a particular issue to your partner. Constant criticism is different. It is about your partner’s character. It means that deep down you are dissatisfied with your partner. You do not like the person who they are. Why do you want a relationship with someone whom you dislike? If you are a criticizer, you always focus on the things you do not like about your partner. You think you are superior, you know better. You feel that you have the right to nag at your partner. He becomes defensive. Soon the two of you will have hostile feelings for each other. It has a negative effect on the relationship.

Moreover, constant criticism may lead to contempt. John and Julie Gottman say this is the worst of the four factors: once contempt appears in your relationship, you have little or no chance to stay with your partner for a long time. Your partner will sense that you have no respect and love for him. Instinct will tell him that you cannot understand him. As a result, he will not trust you. He will feel insecure and upset.

Stan Tatkin: Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy

Stan Tatkin, a clinical expert who did extensive research on relationships, has come up with a new method, psychobiological approach to couples therapy. According to him, you can fine-tune your brain to love or war, according to the signals you send to your brain. However, human brain is closer to war than love. Your mind is supposed to help you survive as an individual. You should make conscious efforts to change your mindset. According to Stan Tatkin, you should create a happy, safe atmosphere. Let your partner know that he can trust you when life gets rough. You should trust him and let him know. When you and your partner are together, both of you should feel secure and satisfied. When you despise your partner or criticize him, you hurt this atmosphere.

Sue Johnson: Emotionally Focused Therapy

Sue Johnson, a relationship therapist, has implemented another method, emotionally focused therapy. EFT can break the vicious cycle of criticism and defensive behavior. You should find the underlying reason behind the hurtful comments. Make sure that you are nice and understanding with your partner so that he dares to talk about his feelings.

For example, a man may criticize you because he thinks you ignore him. He wants to signal you that he wants more of you, this is why he is critical. Probably he could see the same behavior from his parents when he was a child. Once you understand this, you will be less defensive, you will be able to deal with his remarks, you will know how to react.

6 Rules to Maintain Erections

The penis is a body extension, share a blood supply, oxygen and nutrients to other organs. So, if you other body part suffers some problem, it will be difficult to keep erections strong. Erection problems not only reveal erectile dysfunction, can also be an early diagnosis of heart attacks, because the arterial damage in cardiovascular disease affects the arteries of the penis in the first place, "says Christopher Steidle, Urologist Indiana University.

To maintain a hard erection, one do not necessarily resort to pills, there are some rules which are natural to help you get it. The sooner you begin to follow them, the better.

1. Eliminate stress

“In the long term the emotion of stress can harden the arteries and prevents erections” says urologist J. Stephen Jones. The solution is that every day you take five minutes to concentrate on the sensations of the moment: your hands on the wheel, the sound of the horn. “To relax and focus on current sensations, you reduce the epinephrine and ultimately improve your ability to have better erections” says Jay Winner, author of "Stress Management Made Simple".

2. Eat berries

As blackberries or blueberries are rich in anthocyanins, an antioxidants that help to maintain high blood levels of nitric oxide, which is one of those responsible for erections to stand firm, says a study by Indiana University. Eat one serving a day.

3. Exercise

No matter how busy you are, it is important to at least start moving every day. It is shown that men who walk at least 3km per day have half the rate of problems of erection than those who are sedentary.

4. Stop smoking

Smoking causes arterial damage that doubles the risk of you to suffer from sexual dysfunction, according to a study published in the Journal of Urology. Meanwhile Andre Guay, director of Lahey Clinic for Sexual Function, says quit of smoking before age 50 reverses the damage.

5. Choose fish meat

Following the above line, researchers from Royal College of Surgeons claim that fish contains taurine, an amino acid that helps heal arteries damaged by snuff. So if you have been a smoker, it can help to maintain stronger erection.

6. Sleep well

During sleep, erections have three to five hours, which kept "fed" the penis to provide oxygenated blood. Thus, the more "elevations" night has, the more flexible is the erectile tissue and that can help maintain firm erections in future.

Furthermore, the anxiety also can cause erection problems which is associated with the fear of unwanted pregnancy, especially for those contraceptive methods have failed, says Karen Donahey of Northwestern University. The vasectomy sperm eliminates the risk and aid in sexual life.

Although there are in the market herbs and supplements that claim to help you get erections more powerful, has not been shown to be truly effective and can also be unsafe, says the National Institutes of Health. Best recommendation would be to go natural and consult your doctor.

Relationships And Ego

Sigmund Freud, the psychoanalyst, says human personality has three parts: id, ego and superego. Each layer has a role in maintaining a healthy relationship.

Ego is your conscious mind, it is responsible for the way you perceive the world, i.e. the internal and external impressions. Id is your subconscious mind: every primitive instinct that you cannot handle or that make you uneasy (aggression, anger, fear) are there in your subconscious mind. This part of your personality demands satisfaction, instant gratification, it wants to experience pleasure and avoid pain. Super-ego is “the ideal self”, the person you want to be, it contains your conscience and values. The layers of your psyche should be in harmony. If there is a huge gap between your id (subconscious mind) and your superego (idealized persona), then you will have self-esteem issues.

Functions of Ego

It has your reality testing ability. It is a skill to perceive what happens within your mind and in the external world. Stress may cause mild, temporary damage to this function.

Impulse control is a skill to deal with your instincts.

Judgment means that you behave responsibly, to measure the consequences of your actions.

Healthy self-esteem means that you feel good about yourself and have self-respect and confidence, even if you face stress.

Freud dealt with psychosexual development. According to him, people have five different stages of psychosexual development. After birth, humans are fixated on their mouths and nursing. The next stage is controlling bowel and bladder functions. After that, they discover their genitalia. The fourth stage is the latency stage, from which they are supposed to grow into the fifth stage: mature sexuality. If the development process breaks at some stage, it will cause a fixation.

Phases of Development

Other psychoanalysts also divided human life into different parts and phases.

According to Erik Erikson, during the first phase of development, one has to trust others. Otherwise they will have trust issues in their relationships. During the second stage, from the age one to three years, they should develop autonomy. If they do not, they will suffer from shame or self-doubt. In the next phase, from 3 to 6 years, they should learn planning skills and development skills, or they will be dependent all their lives. The fourth stage, age 6 to 12, they should experience success, they should be satisfied with what they can accomplish, otherwise they may grow up to be insecure adults and they will experience guilt. At the fifth phase, they should have identity. As young adults, people should feel optimistic – provided they have a healthy intimate relationship.

Your id, ego and superego – each component of your psyche – define how you select your partners and how to deal with them in the long run. When you select a partner, you see your own superego and the partner’s superego. However, in a long-term relationship, you are supposed to deal with the id of both parties.